The date…1971 you walk into a room of people dressed in tight mini skirts and polyester leisure suits. The gold chains around the neck while showing off their hairy chests, point out how cool they really are. If they are lucky, they will end the evening “swapping” and going home with another persons spouse… Is this you? Chances are, this is the image that most of us, along with the general public, have imbedded in our minds about what swingers are like.
Welcome to 2003! Who are today’s Swingers? Would you believe that Vice Presidents of major corporations, Politicians, Teachers and even Clergy are sharing their most intimate relationships? People that may have just met on the Internet or in person, thanks to thousands of swing clubs, private house parties and personal magazine ads, many are taking the average friendship and going the next step. Some are even meeting at the work place or college dorms.
The big difference now is that it is no longer a lifestyle set aside for dark hidden bars in the tucked away shadows of the inner cities. Lost with this are the Gold chains, Miniskirts and Polyester leisure suits. Amen!
Through our 10 years of observing and/or counseling over 5000 couples within the alternative lifestyles…we have noticed the following:
- Most are middle to upper income
- Most have college educations
- Most have chosen this lifestyle to enhance (Not substitute) their primary relationship.
- Most have very stable and secure primary relationships and would not consider cheating on their significant other…or have the need.
- Almost all are very considerate of others wishes and needs and know what “no thank you” means
- Almost all take major precautions to prevent sexually transmitted diseases.
- We find that a major percentage (better than 80%) are NON-smokers.
- Swingers tend to take care of their bodies more than non-swingers, but than again…this lifestyle is like dating.
- Surprisingly enough over 90% of all women are bi-sexual or bi-curious where only about 40% of the men are orally bi in any given group situation. (About 10% in a non group environment…one on one)
- We find the average age to be 34-40 contrast with the 70’s, the average age was more like 45-50.
What is swinging? Well lets start with the definition given by The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language (fourth edition. 2000), where a swinger is defined as “A person who engages freely in promiscuous sex” and/or “A member of a couple, especially a married couple, who exchanges sexual partners” After 10 years of counseling, educating and working with the “modern day swinger” a better stated definition would be:
“Any person or persons engaging in any form of sexual activity in the presents of any one or more individuals other than or in addition to his or her primary partner.” (as defined by Third Path)
We find that previous older definitions do not follow the modern approach of many within the swinging communities. The first and most obvious change in swinging is the fact that a very large percentage of swingers do not and never intend to “swap partners”. We have found that for many in the past, “swapping” was a means of satisfying something that was missing in the relationship that they were locked into. Many were unsatisfied with what they had, but did not want to divorce for reasons that varied from family values to religion. At the same time that this was occurring, many other non swingers were judging them for there sexual deviance even though consensual and in open of there partners. Meanwhile those judging were out cheating on their spouses as their means of satisfying themselves in their lacking relationship.
Today, at least 8 out of 10 couples are in this lifestyle for the “enhancement” of their relationship and NOT for the “replacement” of their relationship. Many couples are finding a new dimension to their already exciting sex life. Just because they are sharing sex with one or more individuals, that does not necessarily mean that they are having intercourse or even physical contact with these other individuals or couples. We find couples or individuals that simply share photos or enjoy the excitement of someone watching while they and their partner arouse each other to the point of total ecstasy and ultimately orgasm. Just the thought of their erection being shared visually by another couple getting aroused right next to them, even though there is no physical contact with anyone other than their primary partner, sends them into an orgasmic state that has not been experienced since their first sexual encounter with their own honey.
We find that there are many levels of swingers and to be definitive as possible, we have attempted to create a scale that might help you determine were you are and where you may want to be.
We call this scale, the “TP” Scale. Why “TP”? Well a TeePee is a circular shaped unit containing a cover, which tends to be flexible and doors that are not locked. Within the swinging environment, we tend to see “circles” or groups that tend to converge based upon common interests. When becoming part of a circle, we know where we are at the time, but as time goes on we may want the flexibility to change or expand circles to meet with our new and ever changing experiences. You might note that in most cases within your circle…the door is never locked. You may opt out of one circle and possibly enter another that is better suited for your new desires. Also note that a teepee looks like a triangle regardless of you view. This too explains the fact that in order to be a swinger…there must be at least a third party or direction aside from you and your primary partner. Hence “Third Path”, which is the Alternative Lifestyle counseling organization that originated this method of being able to share and understand where you and those around you fit and to what circle you belong or have a longing to belong. The following are the various levels of the TP Scale:
“TP” ONE SWINGER:
This is a couple that enjoys sharing sexuality at a safe distance such as over the phone or via e-mail. You may talk dirty and do things to each other by request of your “pen pal” couple or individual.
“TP” TWO SWINGER:
This is a couple that enjoys either being present and watching another couple or individual performs a sexual act or performing a sexual act while being watched or watching while being watched. Maybe you share a hotel room with two queen size beds right next to each other.
“TP” THREE SWINGER:
This is a couple that Has pre set rules and limits as to how far they will go with another couple or individual while sharing sexual activities. This will usually include touching outside of there primary partner. It may also include sexual massage licking and kissing…but never penetration. Usually at this level, a bond or friendship is the goal of all, and is usually not intended as a one-night stand.
“TP” FOUR SWINGER:
This is a couple set aside the rules and limits as to how far they will go with another couple or individual while sharing sexual activities. This will usually includes not only touching outside of there primary partner but, It may also include sexual massage licking and kissing and even intercourse. This grade is usually with an individual or couple that has created a common bond and attraction with the intention of an ongoing relationship and friendship.
“TP” FIVE SWINGER:
This is a couple that shares sexuality with another couple or individual to the extent that they do not have limits other than protection (condoms) as long as they are in the presents of there primary partner and usually sharing each other at the same time (threesomes or for sums). There is not expectation or obligation for long term friendships or relationships…just fun sex. This level, as in any of the levels, does not rule out the possibility of a long-term relationship between any or all of the parties involved.
“TP” SIX SWINGER:
At this level, a couple enjoys meeting people that want to have sex…Plane and simple. Attraction may or may not be important. Safety from disease is usually the only rule of thumb at this level…however, primary partners are still part of these encounters and even though they may have all the fun they want…the primaries always go home or to bed (to sleep) together.
“TP” SEVEN SWINGER:
The grade seven is no longer considered elementary swinging…this is the hard-core swap. I’ll take yours; you take mine…see you tomorrow. We find this a lot with “open relationships”. The hard part with this for of swinging is the Unknown factor of your primary. This is a topic of its own! However…there usually still needs to be somewhat of an attraction to the other individuals involved.
“TP” EIGHT SWINGER:
This is easy…any time, any where with (almost) anyone. If this is you…please be careful!
It is very important to note that even though the “TP” scale provides a base for not only determining where you are, and sharing with others were you are, but there are many variances to all of the “TP’s" above. You may find yourself somewhere in the middle. Remember…they are flexible!
So what about swinging in this society… as we are well aware, almost all religions and most social organizations, highly frown on any such activities…even though cheating is the most common cause of demise in a failed marriage…it’s almost considered “normal”. Many therapists can understand why one would cheat, but being a swinger is judged to be “BAD”! Well, at least according to our society. Contrast swinging, in which partners openly share their sexuality and expression of love in front of the one they call their primary partner, and you can see why swinging has changed and grown over the years. Imagine never cheating or having to lie to the one you love ever again! More and more couples are adding this new dimension to their intimate side of there relationship, while at the same time maintaining their conservative appearance in there work and residential community.
Maybe you have thought about what level of swinger you are…Maybe you’ve not thought about it to this level of detail. Either way, the “TP” Scale is one way for swingers to identify where their boundaries are and make it easier for other swingers to understand their relative experience and preference for involvement.
For further information or counseling on this, or other alternative lifestyles, please feel free to contact Judy J Emerson, PhD. and Nicholas Olevsky, DD.
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